Find me. You're lost.

In this precious cage,
Away from the starry sky,
But under it all the same,
Here in the silence and darkness,
Unleashed, unrestrained,
I feel the your pain,
Searing like fire through my vein.
Your love, your heart.
So kind, so delicate.
Squeezed out, and put to a halt.
Such a waste. Such a shame.
You fear all that, that brought you happiness once.
I didn't know then,
How it would end,
Could have asked you to turn around and walk away.
Leave it be. Know no more, i had said.
Would you have heard me call?
Run into my arms where i could have hidden you from it all?
I hoped for you, you were so optimistic.
Amidst all the darkness, a light still did shine.
When it flickered and blew out,
You saw neither me nor the road ahead.
Where do i find you now?
Oh, find your way back.
For under the starry sky,
Where your tears one fell,
Im picking up the pieces of your heart.
Waiting for you with my arms wide open.

As the sounds of harmony embedded deep within us,
From memory. From the past. From the lips of those who uttered it first.
A song it formed. When some others joined. A harmony thus created.
Then came that that Noone uttered. Beautiful, it didn't stutter.
It never came out. Nowhere did it join.
It was but one. In wholeness and then some.
They who heard it passed it on in the humdrum.
Those who heard it between the clinks of bottles of rum.
They sang their sweet dark lullaby.
Those who moved to let it by,
They know what it was. They saw it then.
Innocent. Scared.unwanted.
It was silence.

Then when words were unnecessary, now when they're not enough(part II)

I am sorry.
I have said this to you before.
Listen to me again.
I am trying to find the truth.
The truth you keep from me.
This time, please hurl it at me.

I asked you to never refrain.
From demanding from me.
A word, a hug, an apology, an explanation.
All I asked was that you never sleep on it.
Never confess it in an empty chamber.
Never try to justify it to yourself.
I am sorry.
This time, please scream at me.

I had it the other way around,
And I am glad that I am also to blame.
I always always knew where you were.
And yet, I didn’t see you shift your weight.
Off of our feet to your own.
You stopped complaining.
And I mistook that for the kind of easy silence we shared once.
Today, I am left searching for the words I missed.

I thought I knew you once.
I thought i didn’t, anymore.
You are my heart.
And a part, 
of every piece of it.
Each with a stranger story than the last.
I don’t remember when I started wanting to let you in.
I can’t let you make your piece and walk out.
This time, I’d rather explode than fade away.

You're home. Broken.

I'm not yours, and I never will be.
And yet, when I see your face,
I want to kiss you till the sun fades away.

Kiss me then. Don't break my heart, instead.
It'll find its own weapons and shatter into bits, anyway.
Come morning, sneak out like you intend to.
Go home to your lover, and share a sumptuous meal and share your stories.
If I'm a kiss, and not an entire life,
A kiss is all I'll have.

You're so perfect. You're so right.
Why did you meet me in the night?
And why did you pick that fight?
I have pieces for you and you deserve an entire life.

I had a life,
I have pieces of death.
Every day is a stab, 
Every moment is a wound seeking attention.
Your silence is peaceful.
Your space so filled.
You are home.
Broken.

Baby, you are it.
But I don't have a roof for you.
And I'm poor of the heart.
A meal, shared.
And you, last in line.
You may devour me, yet.
But I want to live free to see how this story ends.
Leave me. Live.

Kiss me then, and leave.
I'll end another story for you.

Do I?

I wonder how you feel right now,
In the arms of another comfort,
Entangled,
In tandem, resonant.
Pleasure and pain. Pain in pleasure.
Intertwined.
When I see sunlight seeping in through the blinds, 
I reminisce.
The alternate shades of brown in your eyes,
The hint of sex in your smile,
The sound of you the night before,
The smell of you in my blanket.
Your hand on my mouth,
You moving inside me,
You building me up,
Torturing me.
Looking at me,
Waiting for me.
Im Waiting..
For you.
While in the spaces of my head, you run amuck,
Lighting up all you see in your way,
With a smile that knows of the storms it brings.
Do I get to enjoy the cool crevices of your broken, beautiful mind?
Do I get to be the darkness that embraces words spoken only on lonesome, dirty streets, after everyone sleeps, and even then scared and in whispers,
Do I get to be the secret you chain to the corner of your subconscious?
Do you let yourself dream at all, love?
Haah! One by one you ignite questions, and burn them away, laughing maniacally.
I know no answers, you'll give me none.
But come darkness, we'll play again.

I know the lies when I write them down and shake my head,
In the deluded capacities of my brain,
I sweetly decline.
I drag the white and black to multitudes of grey,
I am comfortable,
With interchangeable ideas of light and darkness.
I accept the untrue,
Knowing it is.
What is it that I look for, then?
Peace? No.
War? No.
A land where I am forever intermittently in both.
Where I can pain and soothe.
I deny the good just as the bad.
I want the good just as the bad.
I do not want the straight line that crawls till eternity.
I don’t want a constant high or a constant low.
I want to soar.
And I want to crash.
I want to soar from a crash,
And oh, just free fall from there.
And as I write this, 
I know what it is. And I accept.
Dreams. Lies. Life.
My choice of truth.

Not respite.

You’re a bulls eye shot in the dark, a losing bet.
You fell in love with me in spite of being so surely in love.
To me, you’re not an "in spite of", you’re not an "and yet”.
You are just my lover, my love, keeper of my heart.
I know I will share you for the rest of my life.
I will live with that. I must.
I just don’t want to be the grudging acceptance.
I don’t want to be the break of promise, your hidden guilt.
The love you have that comes as an afterthought.
The love after your love.
To me, you are it.
Don’t advocate for the other, it is neither my burden nor my care.
Tell me every little thing that crosses your mind, still.
I can’t tell you every time we break my heart,
I will perish soon, if I start acknowledging it.
I just know. Trust me. I know the truth.
When I don’t, I’ll ask.
You took a beautiful song I played to you,
twisted it and played it back for the other, to me.
The chorus still echoes in my head.
Yesterday shattered me.
But thank you for being brutal, crudely so.
It was important to know.
It was important to hurt.
The more I know, the less careful I become.
What would be the point, anyway.
In a burning world,
I chose a fire that was you,
Not respite.

A rainbow in a tear.

I am glad for reactions of the body,
I am glad my body can release what my mind can’t.
My body is smarter.
For it can’t think.
I am glad for these tears.
For when there’s no one to blame and my heart breaks in front of your eyes,
Only in that tear do I find peace.
Only that tear is welcome,
Only that tear makes sense,
Don’t tell me it’s okay,
It is not.
Don’t tell me you are sorry,
You have nothing to apologise for.
Don’t tell me you love me,
You don’t believe in your love anymore.
You have left me before,
But this time, something else left,
I don’t know what it was.
But it took everything while I wasn’t looking.
I’m caught in a gush of wind,
And I feel like opening my arms and letting it take me with.
Bury me by a river in the sunset.
In that tear, I will see dreams of a rainbow.
In that tear, I will see those dreams fall and be buried by my side.

Have it under control, you say?

So, you want a smoke now?
Did you not quit your addictions?
Or was it just me?
Don’t give in, oh no.
Touch my face,
Light me up,
But don’t press me against your lips,
No.
Scared I would corrupt your chest?
Scared I would tar your mind?
Cough it up, now.
Behold the power of will that holds steadfast against the lesser evil.
Tell yourself you would survive that puff.
Tell yourself you will come out clear of the dense smoke.
Tell yourself you would quit that particular day.
That it’s to keep your thoughts at bay.
You can’t reign them in, baby.
They are free,
As is your love for the addiction that you run away from.
As are you, now.

Love me less.

Love me less, and I will try harder.
Your love is too strong.
And it is all wrong.
It wraps itself around my neck,
And lets my heart go free.
Oh, let me go.
Listen to my screams.
It's not a ballad that escapes my lips.
Oh, let me leave your grip.
My fists are clenched and my eyes shut tight.
And yet you hold on.
And yet, you move forth.
Why, my heartless body would you want to carry?
Why, my soul less facade won't you bury?
Why do you always skip the words that matter?
Why do we have the same moments and yet, different pictures?
You might still drag me over to the greener side.
But after we reach, I will cease to be.
And you would forget me.
You would only remember your songs, your thoughts,
Your words, and your touch.

For the infinite beauty in the world.

Let’s not be them that keep looking for the rest of their lives,
And never find one to hold.
Let’s not be them that held the first,
And ceased to look beyond.
Let’s not close our eyes and settle.
Let’s not convince ourselves this is all there is to it.
But let’s hold on to all that we find beautiful.
Let’s not pluck it out of its surroundings and keep it for ourselves.
Let’s love it and share it and then,
let it go and let someone else find meaning in it again.

Will you hold me?
For it is you that I wish to savour till dawn today.
Here. Right now. Let’s not put it off for another time and place.
Come tomorrow, we might part ways.
We could walk till the horizon,
And look back for the last time,
Say nothing. Promise nothing. 
But hide it in a piece to reminisce on a cold, rainy day.

Wrecking wall. :P

My wall.
Every ache, every piece of my heart,
Mortar to the bricks.
Laid in time. In perfect shape.
Every tragedy, in a different form.
All in front of my eyes.
My strength. My protection.
My wall.
Every crack and every crevice.
That once was there.
Where from the light seeped through.
As did the cold rain.
Filled to the inch. With more of the same.
Never built a way out.
This was my safe space.
Why’d I ever need to?
Why go out and let someone else see?
How easily I could crumble?
That I can break at all.
When I can pretend Im indifferent.
And cold. And unfeeling.
Why show someone I need them,
When I could convince myself I didn’t.
That is what I always thought.
I built this wall to keep me safe.
But as it began to hide me from the world,
I could no longer pretend.
I had to bear my pain
And face my fears.
For each time I smothered my screams.
And each one of those tears I smiled.
For every moment I said I’m alright when I wasn’t.
I only weakened myself more.

Today, I won’t.
I will climb atop my wall.
I will scream till I can no longer speak.
And then I’d whisper my woes into the passing breeze.
And I will cry till the break of dawn.
I will let it all out. And then some more.
And into those arms, I will fall.
That come to hold me.
I will let myself be weak.
To be stronger again.
Today, my wall, I will break.
Today I will break free.
Today I will feel.

Tick. Tock.

I knew I could never keep you.
And yet, it breaks my heart to let you go.

In the infinite web you wove around me, 
A wondrous world, I've watched grow.

The outside seems empty. 
And yet, into it, again sometime, I must step. 
The more I lean on these walls,
The more I realise how easy they are to break.

These walls, I know now, were never to contain me or you,
But the moments we spent, the memories true. 
Everything we shared, they remain, 
Only for us to protect them till we meet again.

It's time to close your eyes. It's time to say goodnight.

Build a wall of pillows,
And a roof of blankets,
Sleep. It's time to crawl inside.
In your dreams, and mine, 
I'm right by your side.

Your heart, it may ache.
But, that's mine to take.
Keep mine, if you will, for awhile. 
There's only a little unrest.
But once yours is safe, It'd beat just fine.

If needed, *Your* wall of China, I'd have been,
Tiny, as I may seem.

If I were close,
I'd have taken you in my arms,
And rocked you to sleep.
Although let's be real, I would probably have messed that up.
Chances are I would have dropped you on the bed,
Or have you end up sitting on me and crush me instead.
One of us would have started laughing,
The other, too busy cursing until she burst into fits.

So, build that fortress.
It's time to crawl inside.
Know that you're safe.
In your head, and mine,(synonymous these days),
I'm right by your side.

Fickle existence (june '13)

What do you do,
When you spend every moment,
Feeling you should not be there.
That it's all a lie.
And if this be the truth,
You would rather die....
Than just be ordinary,
Just another being.
An existence, almost unnecessary.
Live as a certain crowd.
A presence. Temporary.

What did you do,
That ever made a difference?
Why even continue to exist,
If this is how it would end?
Blown away by time and wind,
A name, a bit of dust.
A fragment of someone's memory,
As long as that lasts,
And then gone
Like A receding wave,
There were countless before,
Would come, even more.
And what more did it do,
Than just touch the shore?

Come down from your pedestal and lower your voice.

You say this is a conversation and you sit me down and try to be victorious.
Oh but this was always an argument, wasn't it? You say you can treat all of us as inferiors. Cause you were born a man. You were born lucky to be on a 'side' for whom it is easier to finish arguments, by virtue of numbers and delusion. The victory that you taste in your mouth after all those words you said? Does it taste sweet? You slapped first cause you could. When I countered, you attacked. The words stopped making sense, and victory wasn't yet near, was it? You said the weak needed the law. How, pray tell me, do you define the weak? With a loaded gun in my hand, and without the law, am I not stronger than an unsuspecting you? I will speak for me, as an individual. If you wish to speak for yourself as a privileged part of the  majority of the population, do. Every person in the world, every context starts on a level ground. You have done nothing yet to claim to be a part of a superior group. And I have done nothing to deserve a place amongst the inferior. Do not speak to me from a pedestal. I had given you a place right by me. That place no longer remains. You are just another person. You are not great. Your glorious words, thus, are hollow sounds in the universe. They are the kind of energy that resonates with the with those of guns and hate. I am not great, either. I just know that. The day my deeds are worthy, I will still speak from a humble place, I hope. I will still see the world fair, I hope. I will still treat every individual with respect unless proven wrong, I hope.

Then, when words were unnecessary, and now, they're not enough.

I wasn't scared of messing things up with you.
Maybe I should have been.
And although I have accused you of giving up,
It is me that dominoed.
You never accused me, but I feel like I know.
But then again, I don't. 
Cause when you told me you're sorry,
I felt like I should be too.
I just didn't know for what all I ought to plead guilty.
Today, when we speak, I try hard to understand what you're really saying.
You speak one word,
And although, there was a time when that would have been unnecessary.
Today it is not enough.
I don't blame you for no longer speaking your mind.
I understand. I do it too.
There is so much we missed out on.
There is so much we misunderstood.
There is so much we can't talk about.
There is so much that we hide.
I know you love me. I love you too.
These are the things I know.
How I hope I had remained in your life.
And with just as much ease.
I wished resisting speaking my mind wasn't just as difficult as speaking, all the same.
I know I had you scared and you're trying.
And I wish you didn't have to.
That wasn't how it was.
But that is all that we can do, now.
Because when you can't really talk and you can't ever let go,
How else do you remain anything to one another at all?
Why was it so easy? 
Do you also not understand me these days?
Do you not know, as well?
Do you feel scared too?
Do you stop yourself from sharing, at times?
Does anything in your day remind you of me, anymore?
You ask me not to blame myself.
You stop me the moment I start.
I was too confident.
And then I was too less.
I know you love me. I love you too.
Those are the things I know.
But I'm writing about this and not telling you.
Again, it is the end of the day.
Tell me the bits that you wish to. And the parts you remember.
I will make small talk too.

Let me erase it.

I know I made you read through a scene.
But it was part of different story.
Yes, it started out where we ended last,
But it wasn't how it should have played out.
If I told you the characters were all wrong,
Would you believe me?
If I told you, that should never have existed.
Would you believe me?
If I to If I told you, from where I stand now, I see no truth to it.
Would you believe me?
I know you hold it close,
And you always want to remember.
You stop me at the very mention of it.
But, baby, it would always remain. It's there.
And all I want is that you let me erase it.
Word by word,
Thought by thought.
Wound by wound.
Let me make those moments disappear.
Let me go back and write it as it happened.
But help me, just a little.
For I still am in between stories.
Only now, I juggle between what is perhaps true, what I had told myself for so long, and what I wish was.
Every moment I'm conscious, I want to believe what keeps me sane.
And every time I'm not, I am thrown back with a hollowed scream.
I am shocked at how little I knew and how much I thought I did.
Have you told me everything there was to tell?
Do you know all there was to know?
Or are we still to wait till our judgement day?
Do we wait till the day we either give up or lose the battle,
That we started out on together,
But that we both waged alone for so long.

Accidental. Impossible.

You walked in, a quiet soul.
Your presence, I could not comprehend,
Just that I needed to know you more.
You strolled around, never spoke a word.
Glances you stole, oh so many.
Never an answer. Never a question.
Never out of beat, never a tune.
If I caught any, I pondered.
Accidental.
Impossible. 
You were always just outside, distant.
On the periphery, in my rear view.
In my thoughts that came unbidden.
The brush of unknown fingertips in the crowd.
Accidental.
Impossible.
I lost so many I loved. 
I pushed them away. 
I let them go.
When you moved into my sight, I don't know.
I wasn't supposed to love you at all.
I wasn't supposed to know.
Accidental.
Impossible.
To you, I could tell it all.
A tear never left my eye, and yet I dug you out and buried myself raw.
You kept me safe. You let me carve out
In a fear so constant, of everything so ephemeral, 
A fleeting soul, in an open cage, you sheltered.
Accidental?
Impossible?
On an infinity, with you at one end,
I loop towards, closer than ever.
I will loop away soon.
The closer I am, the closer to farthest I shall be.
You are not the sun, you do not scorch.
You are the auroras.
Infrequent yet constant.
Bright yet you take not the darkness away from the night.
The beauty that is mine and far from my reach.
The beauty that time cannot breach.
When I shot out last, freed,
I didn't know where I was going. Whom I'd meet.
You just happened to be.
Lost. By different means. From different stories.
Tied to different contexts. To be pulled back, pushed away.
For some moments, suspended nowhere.
Accidental. Impossible.

Kill me before you leave again.

Everyday I feel a bit of me change with you. You go further away and I reflect the distance, as if on the other side of a mirror. Once free to be anything we wanted, now left with no choice. We will be friends, then. And put this battle to rest. In peace, we will stand, let the fire die out, and walk away from its warmth to our cold embrace. No sun on our faces, no hearts to torch. No ice to melt, no nights to set aflame. No respite, no pain. Only marks on distant stones to reach, no breadcrumbs laid on our paths. I will see you walk away for an eternity, and I know not whether to cry for the infinite distance or settle happily for the infinite beauty forever in view. 
I don't know. I will choose when I have choices again. I will move you when you move into me again. But, love, if you do, you must shatter everything else and be mine forever or kill me before you leave again.

Tell me your story

What is your story?
I found you in a pool of my blood,
Towering over my assailants,
Hate and sadness in your eyes,
You saved me. You finished my end.
You picked me up and tucked me in,
Don't go yet,
Tell me, what's your story?
What did they do to you?
What part of you did they claim for themselves?
Did they devour you whole?
Sit by me and as you clean my wounds,
Let me peek into yours.
Victims of tomorrow looked away as they passed me by,
Victims of yesterday turned around and fled,
I fought them alone till I woke up to find myself safe.
Tell me, in this world weak and cruel, who are you, so strong and fair?
Speak up, tell me your story.
Fight my battle and I will fight yours.